Why do i make myself feel like i am going crazy??? i am so tired of this life that i have right now...for the most part i am SICK of feeling like i have to please everyone in my life...and you know its kind of hard to do that when EVERYONE wants different things from me...
I thought things would be so much better when Ronnie got this job in Cincinnati, but things still haven't gotten better...the money situation is as tight as ever...i almost feel like we had more money when i was the only bringing in any income...since he started painting in Cincy i've lost my unemployment (and i am hoping that soon i can get that back) and ronnie is the only one bringing home any money....I'm not working because of high risk pregnancy reasons and neither are any other people in the house working (mom and lauren) times are desperate right now and i honestly don't see why they can't go put in any kind of effort to go find a job...i know it's Georgetown and next to nothing is hiring in this town, but there are still places open for business here and eventually some place will be hiring!!!
I hate not being able to bring home any income...since before jayden was born I WORKED for MY MONEY and its just so hard not having any...Yeah ronnie works but that isn't mine!!! he pays bills and groceries and stuff he wants with that money...i want to be able to have my own money so if i want ot go out to lunch with friends, or go buy jayden or the baby something...i can...and right now it's not possible!! i know i have 20 weeks of this pregnancy left, but looking at it right now..though it has dragged on it has gone by so quick too. And we have nothing for the baby besides a crib and bedding (which Ronnie's sister bought us) and an outfit...i feel so disappointed in myself...not to mention that i am 5months pregnant and we don't even have a place to live yet...we are still living with my mom!!! i am thankful she has given us a place to stay for so long, but i am ready to have my own place..I know she doesn't ever want us to move. Ronnie wants to move but he wants to move a good half hour to an hour away from my mom...and probably doesn't sound like a big deal BUT i'm not ready for it, i have lived with my mom up until 5 years ago and then i haven't lived more then 3 minutes driving time away from her...if and when we move from here that will devastated me...i've argued with ronnie about moving that far away, and it's a losing battle. I'm tired of arguing with him...so i give up!
As far as Jayden goes, he has done nothing but drive me up the wall lately and i'm going nuts, he whines and cries constantly now and i honestly don't know where its all coming from..he never used to be like this. I hope its a phase that he goes through quickly. He hates to listen to me, and its like pulling teeth to get him to do anything i ask of him....when he is in trouble i take the tv away, i take toys, and outside play time..i've made him go to bed early, i've made him stand in the corner...i don't know what i can do to make this child understand that I am Boss and he Isn't!
I am so stressed about all this stuff...it goes away for a couple days and then there is always something there to remind me of all my worries again..I want this baby that i am carrying to be healthy and strong and it seems as though the weeks go on and on i get more stressed out..eventually i may be put on bed rest and if the doctor doesn't tell met to do it, i may just have to diagnose myself! I'm tired and drained...and really all i want to do is cry....I'm sending God a prayer...PLEASE help me!!!!
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