VENTING VENTING VENTING

Why do i make myself feel like i am going crazy??? i am so tired of this life that i have right now...for the most part i am SICK of feeling like i have to please everyone in my life...and you know its kind of hard to do that when EVERYONE wants different things from me...

I thought things would be so much better when Ronnie got this job in Cincinnati, but things still haven't gotten better...the money situation is as tight as ever...i almost feel like we had more money when i was the only bringing in any income...since he started painting in Cincy i've lost my unemployment (and i am hoping that soon i can get that back) and ronnie is the only one bringing home any money....I'm not working because of high risk pregnancy reasons and neither are any other people in the house working (mom and lauren) times are desperate right now and i honestly don't see why they can't go put in any kind of effort to go find a job...i know it's Georgetown and next to nothing is hiring in this town, but there are still places open for business here and eventually some place will be hiring!!!

I hate not being able to bring home any income...since before jayden was born I WORKED for MY MONEY and its just so hard not having any...Yeah ronnie works but that isn't mine!!! he pays bills and groceries and stuff he wants with that money...i want to be able to have my own money so if i want ot go out to lunch with friends, or go buy jayden or the baby something...i can...and right now it's not possible!! i know i have 20 weeks of this pregnancy left, but looking at it right now..though it has dragged on it has gone by so quick too. And we have nothing for the baby besides a crib and bedding (which Ronnie's sister bought us) and an outfit...i feel so disappointed in myself...not to mention that i am 5months pregnant and we don't even have a place to live yet...we are still living with my mom!!! i am thankful she has given us a place to stay for so long, but i am ready to have my own place..I know she doesn't ever want us to move. Ronnie wants to move but he wants to move a good half hour to an hour away from my mom...and probably doesn't sound like a big deal BUT i'm not ready for it, i have lived with my mom up until 5 years ago and then i haven't lived more then 3 minutes driving time away from her...if and when we move from here that will devastated me...i've argued with ronnie about moving that far away, and it's a losing battle. I'm tired of arguing with him...so i give up!

As far as Jayden goes, he has done nothing but drive me up the wall lately and i'm going nuts, he whines and cries constantly now and i honestly don't know where its all coming from..he never used to be like this. I hope its a phase that he goes through quickly. He hates to listen to me, and its like pulling teeth to get him to do anything i ask of him....when he is in trouble i take the tv away, i take toys, and outside play time..i've made him go to bed early, i've made him stand in the corner...i don't know what i can do to make this child understand that I am Boss and he Isn't!

I am so stressed about all this stuff...it goes away for a couple days and then there is always something there to remind me of all my worries again..I want this baby that i am carrying to be healthy and strong and it seems as though the weeks go on and on i get more stressed out..eventually i may be put on bed rest and if the doctor doesn't tell met to do it, i may just have to diagnose myself! I'm tired and drained...and really all i want to do is cry....I'm sending God a prayer...PLEASE help me!!!!

Baby Update 7/15/10

I had a monthly checkup today and everything seems to be going very well :) Ronnie and i got to hear the heartbeat again and Dr. Johnson said that it was between 145-150 bmp!!!She also said that the baby seems to move around alot, which is great! In the next couple weeks i should start feeling the baby kick more frequently and alot harder so everyone should be able to know when the baby kicks!!!
  I gained 4 lbs since my visit a month ago...which is the goal weight that i was reaching for, up to this point i hadn't gained any weight. I just want to make sure that this baby is healthy!!!
  Dr. Johnson also told me that we will have an ultrasound in two weeks, and hopefully then we will know if we are having a boy or girl!!! i'm very excited and can't wait!!! She also wants to start seeing me every two weeks since i was early with jayden she wants to make sure that i don't go into preterm labor with this one. I'm feeling good, and i'm excited to continue to watch the baby grow!!! as always i'll keep you updated on the baby, and when i do have my ultrasound in roughly two weeks i will write again!!!

SLEEP

I am 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant as of today...if you estimated thats i'm 4 months along. I remember my first pregnancy with jayden and i honestly have to say it really seemed like cake compared to this one...i never had back problems with my first pregnancy and with this one i've had back problems since i was probably 10 weeks along...with my first pregnancy i had absolutely no morning sickness and i ate like a cow (gaining almost 40 pounds in 6 months!)...with this one for the first 3weeks after finding out i was pregnant i was constantly sick, not throwing up but dry heaving which i consider much much worse!!! and as of last dr visit i still hadn't gained any weight. And now the big big one...when i was pregnant the first time i could probably sleep all day if i wanted to, i never had any discomfort at all when i slept up until i was in the hospital getting ready to have him...but this pregnancy i can never SLEEP! i find it quite ridculous really lol with it being the summer time i am up at least three times getting something to drink and then up again maybe 6 times because my back hurts so much :( well needless to say these past three days i have slept quite amazing compared to the 7 weeks i haven't been sleeping good i've gone from waking up 6-10 times a night, down to three, and then last night i woke up onle once!!! and i'm probably jinxing myself for telling everyone this but it really excites me! In the five years jayden has been born i really haven't lost much sleep for the most part he has been a good sleeper..that first year he was off and on but since then he sleeps through the night he hasn't ever had horrible night mares, or wet the bed...he kept me up once with his breathing problems one night when he was like one and then just recently he woke up with a stomach bug..he threw up and then went straight to bed afterwards...trust me i am not complaining about this, i definitely count my blessings!!! I just wish that sleep would come easier with this pregnancy and i know its not!! these three days i consider myself lucky for being able to sleep through most the night, but i know soon the sleepless nights will come back and every morning i will wake up once again miserable..i hope this just isn't a sign of whats to come when the baby is born!!!!!